Honestly, I’m scared to write this post. I am not sure if I’m going to post this. It gnaws at the core of my being to write about this. Why? Because I’m talking about a detox that I did. One that I knew would be difficult and scary. Yet it was something I needed. Something that my gut was telling me to do.
When I started this journey, I didn’t realize how deep it would go. I didn’t think that my childhood wounds would appear like sore thumbs. All the times I had blamed others for my problems. All the times I was teased in school for being an overweight kid and feeling dumb. Ultimately I realized that my judgments come from a deeply rooted insecurity that runs in all of us: feeling like we’re not enough.
From a young age I had an issue of always comparing myself to others. My classmates, family members, and people on T.V.. Pretty much everybody. People who I saw, "had it all." And it made me feel less than. Flash forward to middle school and I still carried that desire to be enough. That meant looking and acting like them. Yeah...I was a little nuts.
Then high school came and I lost over thirty pounds. I could fit into the clothes I didn’t think I’d ever fit into. People noticed but I didn’t tell people how I lost the weight. I didn’t want people to know the truth to my reality. It got to a point where I did have an eating disorder (ED). I don’t remember half of what I said or did because of how little I was eating. Then veganism came to the rescue. It literally saved my life. I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for that discovery.
Now I’m in college and found myself having hard judgments towards others. When I say judgments, I’ll talking about the minor and the major ones. I didn’t know why this was happening. I had been ED free since 2014 and was continuing to judge those around me for specific lifestyle choices. Hence the Judgement Detox came to me.
This book came to me on accident. Well it was sort of an accident. It was recommended to me on Audible after I had finished Bernstein’s previous book The Universe Has Your Back. I thought to myself, “Let’s do this.” I was desperate and wanted live with myself at the end of the day. I couldn’t stand to think of judgments that were weighing down my self-esteem. I didn’t feel as great as I usually do. I was having a hard time sleeping and being a functioning human being. I needed to take action.
It’s been a month since I took on this challenge and I've grown as a person. For everyone this experience has been different but here are some lessons I've learned:
1. It’s Okay To Feel The Way You Feel
I used to hide my emotions because I wanted to “look strong.” I remember keeping myself from crying because I thought that was weak. But the reality is that emotions are powerful and looking like a mute is never a good thing. When I first felt these emotions I didn’t know what they were. It had been so long that I had forgotten they’d bothered me.
2. We All Have Trauma
I didn’t think I had trauma before doing this. I’m serious. I thought that my ED phase was done and that was it. But no. The universe needed to remind me that self-improvement is an ongoing process. That our words and actions have a deep and profound impact on people.
3. Being Judgement Free A Commitment
This was a hard pill to swallow. I knew going into this that I wouldn’t be the same person as before. I knew that I would learn tools and methods to help me combat dealing with judgement in the long term.
4. Some Judgments Take Longer To Work Through
In fact, I’m still working through some right now. And honestly finding the reason for some judgments takes time and energy. I just take it one day at a time.
The moral of this story is this: people need to constantly work on their inner selves. It’s hard as hell but it’s worth it. The important part is that we work through it. Don’t get me wrong, I slip up sometimes. In fact, I may or may not slip up weekly. But I forgive myself and move on. I let go of what I can’t control and listen to my inner guide.
This was hard to write. Not only because it happened recently but being vulnerable is hard. Sharing personal stories and struggles have always been tough for me. But it was worth it.
I promise that next week's post will be more light hearted and informational. Thank you for reading about my experience with this. I hope ya'll have a great day/night wherever you are. Namaste.